i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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