i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
