I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
