Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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