my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
