Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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