I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
