I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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