i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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