Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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