I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
where are you?
Hypothermia
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
