Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
you had me at cake vodka
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
