my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
