NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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