Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
