just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
