I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
