tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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