I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
