As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
