Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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