And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
