More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
