Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
being pregnant is like rehab
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
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