if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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