I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
