What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
