Someone shit on the floor
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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