new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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