I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
