It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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