Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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