YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
