Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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