hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
