Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
