Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
