If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
