I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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