proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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