He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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