True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
you had me at cake vodka
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
