just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
