No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
