Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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