You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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