I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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