And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
