I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
This couple is walking their pig around campus
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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