mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
